Your stories - Lost All Hope

I am always surprised at the amount of people who write in to the site who say it helped them. Surprised and glad. I am often moved by the many people who said that my story touched or inspired them. It is an honour, although I never really feel like I have done anything to deserve that honour.

People often comment that by reading my story they realise they are not alone in how they feel. By this section, I wanted people to realise how not alone they are. So many people feel exactly as you do now. Hopefully, many get past these dark moments. People find comfort in all sorts of things – often by simply sharing how they truly, truly feel with someone close. It helps connection, which we all crave, and it can be very powerful. It is in the dark moments we are most disconnected.

Anyway, what follows is a collection of your stories. I hope they will provide some inspiration when you most need it.

I felt so helpless after my failed attempt at suicide. I have no recollection of my short stay in hospital nor of the first 4 days after. My husband moved out on Father’s Day. We have two children and have lived together for 22 years. So after my attempt my mum moved in for a couple of weeks and took over the every day activities. Detached is a word I used a lot to describe how I was feeling. Disconnected to every thing. I read your site probably a few weeks after my attempt. What I read was me! You could have been writing about me! it took several months and another suicide attempt before I started to get what you was writing about. My life was worth something. I thought I had no choices in my life apart from which method I would use. I gave/had no regard to how my family and friends would feel afterwards. Why would I if I felt so detached? It was your advice however that saved me. My attempts left me feeling so frustrated. I did not plan to survive. But I remembered . . . If all you do is pick up the phone and talk to someone. That was the beginning. I may have sobbed down the phone time and time again. I talked to many anonymous people. People who give their own time freely to be there to listen. I revisited Lost All Hope many times and found myself telling the few people on my support network about it. It’s now six months since my first attempt. Life is still difficult. Sometimes I have to take hour by hour. But suicide is not my only choice. When it all becomes too much, for whatever reason I can remember . . . If all you do is pick up the phone and talk to someone.

Just found your site in the middle of the night while crying. As my marriage is falling apart after 18 years and we’d been together for 22 years. I decided only 20 mins ago to hang myself in my garage but having done no research, the rope broke as i was too heavy. So i came back inside to research how to do it properly then i found your site. I don’t know what to do from here on out as i have been sobbing uncontrollably for the past 15 mins but it has caused me to stop everything at this instance instead of walking back out to my garage…

[17 days later]

Just wanted to give you an update. I’ve finally at last cleared the dark clouds that were hanging over me those couple of weeks back. I just wanted to say (& I mean it literally!) that you really did save my life. Your page prevented me from making the biggest mistake of what would’ve been the rest of my life or what was going to be left of it. It I hadn’t found you at that exact time, I know I would’ve have been stupid enough to keep going until I finally succeeded. But you gave me reason to pause and think it through. Reading through the rest of your site especially the “Help Me” section, I decided to really seek help and after a day or so when I last emailed you, I found that I had actually come through the worse of it. So much so that I’m truly ashamed that I had allowed myself to get to that point. Thinking back on those events, I still cannot believe at how close I had come to doing it but you somehow pulled me back from the abyss when I had no reason to keep going. Although I can see it now but at the time, I was so consumed with grief, sadness and depression that I couldn’t even see beyond the next day let alone the next week or beyond. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for saving me. I owe you a life debt that I don’t know how to repay but all I can offer you is that I too will continue to search out those on the net who are going through what I went through and hopefully save their lives as you had saved mine. I wish you the best that life has to offer and hope that you too find happiness and peace as well. Thank you again friend and God bless…

I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to thank you enough. Nothing has ever touched me as much as your story. I’m a 14 year old boy who has been depressed ever since I hit the major stages of puberty. I’m tall, muscular, good-looking, intelligent, popular in school, and of middle-class, but for some reason, I always used to constantly be depressed. So, just a few hours ago, I searched up on Google “best way to commit suicide”, and your website was the top result. I read every single letter of every single page. After I finished reading, I cried for the first time in over 4 years. It wasn’t a cry of sadness or anger or anything like that. For the first time in over four years, I was truly happy. You helped me discover that suicide isn’t anywhere near a consideration for a solution to my problems. From now on, I’m just going to live my life happily the way that I want to live it. Please excuse my language, but fuck what anyone else thinks. I am who I am, and I’m proud of it. Thank you.

I was again at the bottom of that dark hole. I knew from previous experience (over decades) that these periods pass and I do feel better eventually. However, I was so sad, tired and angry after a barrage of criticisms from my family that I wasn’t so sure this time that I wanted it to pass. Life held no prospect of future happiness for me. My husband wasn’t around to talk to (talking really does help provided he doesn’t try to belittle or solve my problems) so I decided he’d stopped caring too. I wanted a pain free suicide. The last thing I expected to stumble upon was a factual website explaining what would and would not be suitable while at the same time reflecting just how I felt to be researching suicide. The site was just so supportive. I’m going to bookmark it. Thank you so much for having the idea and making the effort. Another life has just been saved and made better by your generosity of spirit and funds. You’ve lifted my spirit enough to face more life.

I’m 17 years old, and have suffered from serious depressive symptoms for about 2 years now. I uh, I found this site when I was at my lowest. It helped. Knowing the facts really helped me snap myself out of my rut. There’s something about the impartialness of this website that really cuts through the haze. So I’m glad that I bookmarked this page. I think it’s sort of ironic the one place which gives me hope is a website titled lostallhope. Anyway, sorry I’m rambling. Thank you. Thank you so much. This is exactly the reminder I need to keep myself alive. I hope you are well. If I could, I would buy you a donut or something. I don’t know, I just feel like saying thank you isn’t enough to really show how I feel. But I guess it’ll have to be enough for now. Thank you.

I’m 14 years old and I started cutting at age 12. I’d look in the mirror and hate myself. I’d hate everything about me. My clothes, legs, arms, personality, head, stomach, life. I’ve never been called fat because I wasn’t ever fat. I just made myself believe I was. I’m actually the perfect weight (I just did a sports physical). Anyways, my life has never been the worst – it’s just that my mind has a way of telling me how horrible life is and how much I hate life. So on March 5, 2013 I tried to commit suicide with overdose on sleeping pills. I took about 12-15 (can’t remember) but it failed and I couldn’t stand that yet another thing I did failed. So I decided to look up other suicide ideas and I came across this website. I thought to myself ” This can’t help me, no one can” but I figured let’s read it anyways. And I love every second reading it. This helped me so much I’ve stopped cutting, I haven’t once thought of suicide. I’m getting my confidence back and self-esteem. I was always quiet in school because I was afraid of rejection. I now talk to a lot of people and have a ton of friends. Whether you know it or not you’re a true inspiration and I want to thank you for saving my life. Suicide isn’t the way out, changing the way I feel is the way out. Thank you so much.

Earlier tonight I was looking up methods to painlessly kill myself when I found your site. For years (off and on), I planned several methods for killing myself, not realizing that suicide is NOT painless; that it is even dangerous if I were to fail. The three methods I had already tried were hanging, pills, and drowning. Obviously, I am still here. Thank you for making this site, because it helped me to see that were I to try again, I wouldn’t be just hurting myself, but my daughter would lose her mother. I called a hotline you put on your “Help Me” page, and now I feel just enough to keep myself alive just a little while longer. I don’t think I’ll ever beat my suicidal thoughts completely, but at least I know of a place I can go any time I have those thoughts again. Thank you.

When I googled ways to commit suicide, your website was the first hit. And it helped me see that I can get through this. I read the help me section at least twice and then I went and talked to a friend. I am beginning to realize that I can’t give up now… I have my whole life ahead of me. And then I think of my town. At least three people I know have committed suicide in the last year. My ex boyfriend tried to after we broke up and I decided that I couldn’t do it because of how the people around me would react. I would not have come to this conclusion without this website. For that I am eternally grateful. Thank you for saving my life. And thank you for providing the light I needed at the end of the tunnel. Keep shining.

Last month, my nephew found his demons were greater than even his love for his two sons ages 13 and 10. He hung himself while alone in his mom’s house. He was a man of incredible intelligence and talents, but struggled mightily to be happy. Not long after his marriage ended, he lost his job in commercial construction during the economic downturn. Unable to find another job in his industry, he moved in with his mom and used his exceptional carpentry skills to help improve his mom’s home, homes of many of his family and friends, and projects for neighbors and friends in the community. He also devoted himself to spending time with his sons, teaching them how to fix or build just about anything. He was a master chef and shared that passion as well with his sons.

Now the light he brought to their young lives has been extinguished and they are devastated by that loss. His mom, his brothers, extended family, his former wife and friends are all hurting and will be for the rest of their lives.

If you found this site because you are considering suicide as a solution to your pain, please read the “Help Me” and “Surviving Today” sections – and recognize that anyone who loves you will have their lives changed forever if you leave them.

Since I was 11, I have felt unloved and unwanted, my sister always had things given to her, my dad never wanted to bond with me, and I always found myself in my bedroom, crying, wishing I had some friends… I’m now 14, and I’ve felt suicidal for a few months. I’ve cut my wrists, I’ve even tried over dosing on paracetamol… None of those worked. So, today, I had the worst day of my life. All I’ve ever wanted to be is a biology teacher, but I realised today that will NEVER happen because my education is suffering due to me not wanting to go to school because of my low self-esteem (And not wanting people to see my scars.) So, I came home, and started browsing for some suicide methods… After reading a lot of the methods on this site, I clicked “My story” by accident, and decided it was worth a shot reading it. The story has given me hope. However bad my education may be, I could still find happiness. I just want to say thanks, you’ve really brightened up my day, and I don’t ever want to think about suicide again… So, thanks!

[five days later]

Ever since I sent that first email to you, my life has started to brighten up little by little. I rediscovered my love for video games! It may sound silly, but, it’s keeping me in contact with some old friends from school!

My dad and I are getting on a bit better too! Woohoo! That story really brightened my mood, so I wanna thank you again! Thanks SO much for all the inspiration you have given me, and, now I realise suicide will never, ever, ever be an option.

[one more day later]

If it sounds like I’m excited, it’s because I am. My life is getting better every moment since talking to you and reading the stuff on your website. I have started going out a lot more, I don’t care if people can see my scars, let ’em see! I realise now that I am me. I’m not anyone else, I am me. If other people don’t like me, they can leave me alone. I’ve been feeling a hell of a lot more confident than what I have been for as long as I can remember. Yesterday, I went out with some friends, we went to the cinema, and I met a girl, we instantly became friends. She’s the same age as me! She asked me how I got my scars, so I told her my story. She said nothing, and then a tear ran down her cheek, and she kissed me on my cheek. Ever since then, we’ve been inseparable. But, really, I couldn’t of realised these things if I didn’t know that other people have been through what I have, and they’ve come through it okay. You’ve helped me realise that suicide isn’t an option. My mother blessed me with the gift of life, and I won’t refuse a free gift. So, thank you A LOT. Without reading your story, I would never have guessed I could make conversation with a girl, gone outside in a short sleeved shirt and not give a turd what people thought of my scars! I really do owe you one. Thank you SO much for everything.

Hello.. a few months ago, I wrote you an email expressing my thanks for giving me that critical moment to step back and think of my actions before suicide.

I am writing this email to update you and tell you a heartfelt bigger THANKS for this website. Currently, I am in therapy and have started a medication schedule that has begun to correct the chemical imbalance in my brain. I was checked into a mental place three times for a medication adjustment each time until they found the right levels for me. I was also introduced to group therapy (which I love!), art therapy (another newfound love), Animal therapy (Now that is a great way for therapy!) and one on one therapy.

Wow.. I never KNEW that LIFE could be like this.. so enjoyable and full of possibilities. I have also begun to get back into my beloved cooking skill and just a few days ago, I rode my FIRST rollercoaster since starting this new life. (Screamed my head off but HEY! It was AWESOME!!) I am also considering going back to school this fall.

So I know this sounds really odd, but thanks for your website and making me realise, Oh boy, I need help bad! When you presented the information, it scared the bejeezus out of me. I thought suicide would be clean and the easy way out.. I didn’t know at all that it could hurt a lot of other people.

Thanks again and God bless you!

I just want to thank you for everything you’ve done for me, even though you don’t know it. One night awhile back when I was writing my suicide letter, having a suicide plan in place, I stumbled upon your site. I favorited the website and almost 4 months later, I visit it everyday to reread every word you’ve written to show myself I’m not alone. I’m not quite over my depression and I haven’t gotten my stuff together at all, but all that you’ve written has kept me alive and running for at least these past few months. Your story inspired me to keep moving and taught me that some day, it will get better. Thank you for sharing your story online, and please keep it up.

Thank you. This page saved my life tonight. My family has gone through enough – me committing suicide only helps me and causes them more pain. Thank you for forcing me to look beyond myself. Thank you so very much.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading what I needed to read. I am 28 years old and I have been suffering from depression since I can remember. But I have only realised that it was depression for a couple of years.

The thinking about ending my life have been frequent. and I was on the verge of doing so.

It gave me reason to believe that I have touched people in my life and that I have done good. that I am a human being, and that are species is flawed. I am trying to come to terms with my youth and bad decisions I have made. the lack of emotions and losing one self. the feeling of not going forward in life and having had a false start. I thank you and I will try, try and try until my real time is come. clinging on the moments that make it all worthwhile.

You’re right…I think I’ll sleep on it a couple nights…couldn’t hurt…I think you may have saved my life. [then, the following day]

An update…the sun came out this afternoon…I spoke with my wife about this…she didn’t realize that I was so despondent…I now have an appointment with a therapist… I think I’ll save the charcoal for a few steaks. I truly thank you.

I want to sincerely thank you for creating this website. Your website has helped me realize that suicide is not the solution to my problems. I’ve been through a lot: being harassed because of my sexual orientation, ultra-religious parents who I could never meet their expectations, depression, alcohol problems, and a few others. After an especially difficult day, I decided that I needed to Google the most effective suicide method. I found your site, and initially I read the information on the suicide methods. But then, I saw the “Help Me” section. I broke down and cried after I read it. Along with the website creator’s story, I have made a breakthrough that I didn’t think would ever come. You have saved my life, and I want to thank you for it. (:

I came across your site in the middle of the night, being in tears after finding myself in a depression AGAIN (I have depressive episodes since I was 12 years old). Although I have thought of committing suicide hundreds of times in my life, I was (and am) never serious about it because I will not do that to my family. For some reason last night I Googled suicide. Your site is the only one I saw that did not condemned or patronised my feelings. (I do not need to hear I am going to hell, thank you very much…) Nor did it push me further into this dark place by saying everything is indeed total shit (excuse my language).

You provide rational information. You bring sense into this whole blur of feelings that are overwhelming and exhausting and make you want to crawl up in a little dark corner and alienate yourself from the world. I’ve started to work on my feelings 5 years ago and this is the first time I feel acknowledged. Some words that actually help me get a grip. Reading every word through my tears I finally calmed down. Your words made me make a decision: this has to stop and I’m starting RIGHT NOW! In the middle of the night I took a shower, made myself food and coffee, got dressed and spend the entire night researching possible ways to get help. This morning I told my flatmate and my best friend about everything, being very honest, and with my friend I made a plan. I am going back to my medication (I was on antidepressants before and they helped me a lot) and back to counselling (also nothing new to me). And although it I’ve done it all before, I am going to do it all again. Whatever it takes. I am going to be all right.

I was searching for the most painless and efficient way to die when I came across your site. It was then when I realised that what I needed wasn’t an escape. It was a hearing ear. The link to the depression chatroom helped me in knowing that I am not alone in this. I couldn’t say that I wouldn’t think of suicide again but all I know now is that I will still be living tomorrow. This site saved my life.

I’m not sure if it was the talk I had with my teacher earlier today or my discovery of this website just now, but I feel better just reading this. not happy but content almost. I appreciate what this website does and can relate to the suicidal thoughts/attempts so I know that most if not all of the information here is exactly what a person in my (and many others) situation need to hear.

I still, for the most part, cannot say I won’t think about or even attempt to end my own life in the future but I can say, with all sincerity and honesty, that I will come back to this site once those emotions stir in my head again. I’m sure you get many thanks from many people. I’d like to be added to that list. this site may not have necessarily eradicated my thoughts of suicide but it certainly has helped me push them back a bit further.

Your website helped me at the darkest moments of my life. It made me pause to think when I was not thinking clearly. I did the three day thing, more than once. Long story short…I am still here to write this note to you. I wanted to thank you and to let you know that you have helped me.

I was on Google trying to decide what the best way to kill myself. The fool proof plan. I’ve attempted suicide 3 times previously. I ended up in pain and in the hospital all three times. I was looking at jumping but then I read your story. Something clicked in my mind. I could be the reason someone else kills themselves, which would suck and I’d feel like a total ass. But anyway, I just wanted to thank you for making this site. It’s definitely better than Wikipedia. The only have the facts. They don’t actually care. You don’t know any of us but you’ve probably saved countless lives. I know you saved me.

Thank you for saying what I always felt but could never coalesce in my own mind…that I always felt I was not good enough, no matter my perfectionist and OCD tendencies…that I need to learn that… I am good enough as I am. Just seeing that in print in front of my face saved me tonight.

I am undergoing a divorce plus coming out of the closet as a lesbian. I came across your website when I really felt my lowest. It gave me the much needed time to stop, think and reconsider suicide. I picked up my phone and talked to a friend about I feel.. And in the process, realised I am not alone in this situation. I never knew just talking to someone would be a world of difference…I have never really done that. By talking to my friend, I discovered there is nothing wrong with being gay and the sadness I feel over the divorce is normal.