Sept ‘25 – Change of seasons

How the months seem to fly by in between blogs. At the end of every summer it always feels like the days have slipped through my fingertips like sand. In the old days, I used to look forward to the summer. I used to play summer sports, and it always felt like the summers were more fun – I looked forward to the start of the summer sports season, and the winters were to be dreaded. But now I find the summers are very quiet for work. Managing the time is more difficult. There’s less I want to do, and certainly a lot less that’s enjoyable.

For instance, the time I would spend playing golf, I now don’t want to play golf, and I haven’t really worked out what to do with that time. I find that tough. I seem to spend more time at home alone, ruminating, or retiring to my bed and just sleeping, because that is easier than working out what to do with myself. Then September comes, the weather changes and I think, what’s there to look forward to in the winter? And what’s there to look forward to in the following summer? Basically, what’s there to look forward to in life???

Thinking about the ending with my therapist that’s coming up in December, I commented that I can understand I’ve come a long way from the person I was 15 years ago when I started therapy with her. I’m not as depressed. I’ve had relationships. My level of self-awareness is massively better. I feel like I have relationship skills. And yet I also look at my life and don’t feel I am where I wanted to be. To which she said, “does anybody look at their life and feel like it’s where they want it to be?”. I guess that’s a good question. I just never envisaged myself still single, in a house I’m not sure I will be able to afford when my mortgage expires in March ‘27. Still working in a company hoping that we’re going to do well enough to sell, but still not having sold.

Life just feels unsettled. Although work feels settled, it’s just everything else. The summer brought some light relief with a “friends with benefits” from the US coming over for a nice concert, and then me going to Dublin with her for a weekend. They were both nice and passionate although those concert tickets were bought hoping that V would be the one that was coming. But still, it was a nice romantic evening. Dublin was nice too – my first city break since a disastrous one 23 years ago! Plus I’ve been on a business trip back to the US to see her since. Although said friend is now in a monogamous relationship with somebody else.

I had a lover living around 100 miles from my home city. Although I ultimately decided it wasn’t giving me what I wanted, so ended that. The normal stream of dates not really gone anywhere. Although I did find in Washington DC I’m massively more popular than I am in my home city, which would be nice if I was living in Washington DC, but I’m not.

Where I live, dating has been really tough the last month or so. Just not getting many matches. Occasionally, when I do, ghosting happens too often. Ghosting really is an evil of app dating. Where you can think you’re getting on with somebody, only for them to suddenly not reply. Which does make you wonder whether it was something you said, as opposed to it being for any variety of factors going on for them. Or progress with any of the other people they may have met through the same app.

I probably take things too personally. But it doesn’t reduce the frustration when you’re putting a lot of effort into dating, to not get anywhere. And when it comes to Friday nights or Saturdays, where I just want a nice romantic date and some wild passionate lovemaking, it can feel very difficult when I’m spending the evenings alone. Especially when I haven’t even got that many exciting dates coming up, just one in the diary and two other matches who I’m in communication with, waiting for them to reply.

So it’s a strange old life. I’m motivated at work and working hard. And outside of that, don’t really have much motivation for anything. So I’m hoping something will shift in the autumn to generate some motivation and excitement. Or else I manage to engineer another work trip back to Washington DC. But that’s a very short-term fix. I really want somebody to hang out with where I live! Plus I need our company to bring in some big deals. Thise two should equal better place by my next blog!