Jan ‘26 – Ups and downs

I am conscious that my natural inclination is to talk about my struggles on this blog. But given people seem to find some solace in me still being alive, I have resolved to talk about some positives.

Last post I talked about our company needing to bring in more deals and being back to square one on my dating life. I write this in Washington DC on a business trip, feeling quite excited as I await a lover to turn up. So that elusive feeling of excitement and anticipation is possible – even for me. How rare I write a blog post while feeling it.

The last quarter of 2025 flew by. I worked very, very hard. Things seem on the up for our company – three massive deals that would be game changing for us. Whilst all three clients have said yes, the ink is not on the dotted yet with any of them, so hard to get too ahead of ourselves. But they have all said yes so that is a start, and the first few months of this year are about getting contracts signed. This interim period being quite nerve-wracking. No reason not to be positive, but a lot can still go wrong!

At least being busy at work left less time for my own introspectiveness. Plus I had my last session with this therapist after 15 years. Which I was OK about except worried about how I was going to say thank you to my therapist. You see, despite paying her for 15 years, I still felt like I needed to thank her for putting up with my severe downs. Sessions where I could barely say anything (because sitting in silence in therapy is getting such great value from the therapist I am paying!). And what gesture can say thanks for 15 years. 13 of them with sessions twice a week. That is some thank you to make, and I was feeling under pressure.

My attempts at words were terrible. Then I thought about doing an image that captured highlights of 15 years. Which I worked on and realised was terrible. Then one night at the gym it came to me – simple image, and what to say with a letter superimposed on the image. Came home and the words flowed. I had it – good enough. I felt such a sense of relief I can’t tell you. I was finally ready for my last session.

I wish I could tell you that my last session was particularly emotional or noteworthy – it wasn’t. It was just the end. My therapist loved the image I had done for her which was a relief. We talked a bit about how far I had come. I felt sad and empty for a few hours after until I got on with work. Since then, with a bit of help from Chat GPT, I have been fine. Early days….

On top of the image for my therapist, it was my sister’s 70^th, and wanted to a picture for her that represented her 70 years on earth. Why do I keep setting myself these impossible tasks? But with some broad vision, finding an artist, way too much money and creative inspiration from my other sister, we pulled it off, and the picture was displayed at both my sister’s birthday parties.

So that was the busy lead up to Xmas, then leaving the worry about what I was going to do with myself spending Xmas single and alone. But I was so far behind with work and personal tasks I made a list, and just cracked through them. Combine that with a couple of days with a lady I was dating, and seeing some friends, and the period went by fairly easily. No mega downs of being at home alone and losing the will to do anything which is always my fear. So a result really, although until I wrote these words I’m not sure I really gave myself much credit for managing to look after myself well enough.

Because that is what it is about. Caring enough about the person I often don’t care much for. Don’t worry – not about to tell you I have found a profound sense of self-love and acceptance. If only! Just that on a day when I had enough resources to think about it, I managed to sort a plan that worked well enough to get through the holiday period.

Which brings me to dating, and the ups and downs of this blog post title. Another birthday single…sobering. I so did not want to be single on my birthday…AGAIN! But the day was fine. Low key. Was making effort on the dating apps but not getting anywhere – which is hard. But a connection I made in DC in September same to life in early November – she was coming to visit. Exciting. And within a few days of that, a match on one of the apps with a lady I was very attracted to. Also exciting, and somewhat complicated with a lover coming to visit me.

Nice to feel in demand though. The day with the lover had a lot of build up and I have to say was lovely. Exciting, connecting. Hard to see her go. My other lady was travelling a lot and coping with an ill relative, but when we saw each other in person the chemistry was insane. We got thrown out of a restaurant for stroking and kissing too much – asked to leave by the manager and a massive bouncer (no word of a lie – I got an apology and refund!). So that was nice, but hard to build momentum when we only saw each other every three weeks.

I never thought of myself as someone who wanted to be polyamorous, but I was actually seriously starting to think about it as I was feeling so connected to my DC lover. She understood me in a way no-one had ever got me before. We were leaving each other 30 mins of WhatsApp recordings a day, as finding times to talk in person seemed quite tricky. Not sure how sustainable that was ever going to be. We had planned a time together during my Jan business trip. Then, from something that should have been innocuous and easy to get over, an argument. Chatting to try and resolve it made it worse.

I was feeling sick. I hate conflict, and I really, really hate conflict with argumentative people. With all my therapy and relationship skills I still could not sort it, meanwhile I went through a week where I was struggling to function. So that connection ended, which I was really sad about. And last night had dinner alone in the restaurant I had booked for two.

The lady who travelled a lot came over for a couple of days over the holidays so we could have some normal time together. It was nice, but when it finished I just felt I lacked any excitement or anticipation.

But this evening, with another lover I have in DC who I get on great with and spent time with over the summer, should be relaxed and fun. She understands the ups and downs of dating as well as anyone.

Between images to create, work, 70^th birthdays, then putting together a short notice business trip, our year end staff conference and lots of other stuff, I realised today at yoga in DC that it is the first day in ages I have felt able to relax. I was too busy to even realise how all-consuming the busy-ness had become. When I get home I should have less deadlines, and I will re-group on the dating front.

Although sometimes I function much better when under pressure, so perhaps it will feel anti-climatic without much to look forward to. But at least it will only be a month to go till March, and that means Spring is around the corner.