June ‘25 – Change

In https://lostallhope.com/help-me/ I talk about how everything changes. And some things do. I didn’t stay feeling quite as terrible as in my last blog post. Time was a healer, although V is still there in my head. Comparing every date against her (mostly unfavourably). Hoping she may relent and realise how scared she was and be ready for something deeper (unlikely). The energy of it all has decreased though.

I have been on some other dates, in some cases with women who quite liked me. I have a couple of liaisons with lovers lined up which is exciting, but I still long for the deeper emotional connection I felt with V.

Work is quiet, my golf is terrible so I don’t want to play, and I feel lost. That is the truth of the matter. My mood goes downhill fast if I work from home too much and am not busy. I am not doing even the things I wrote myself in Help me. I have no purpose, no emotional connection, barely any physical connection although that should change soon. Worse, I am struggling to find the motivation to make any effort.

I had the joy this morning of my therapist telling me things will always feel the same if my life IS the same. Which may be true, but it is hard to change when you don’t know what to change or feel any motivation to do it! I am sure anyone on this site reading this will understand this pattern so well.

So it seems like most my energy is going on dating. My happiness relating to how that is going. Bad dates disappointing. Not really had the sort of date where I feel excited afterwards since seeing V, but I am excited to see a lover.

But the point is I am in a better place from May – I know that – even if it doesn’t feel like a great place. I struggle so much with too much space so not being busy is a living hell for me. Maybe I can get my golf game into decent enough shape where I want to play again as that can suck up many a happy hour. I would love work to be busier. I guess those are my goals for the next month. I am a bit scared of the summer though. When work goes quiet I go downhill, and right now I am just hoping it will be OK rather than doing anything about it.