June ‘25 – Change
In https://lostallhope.com/help-me/ I talk about how everything changes. And some things do. I didn’t stay feeling quite as terrible as in my last blog post. Time was a healer, although V is still there in my head. Comparing every date against her (mostly unfavourably). Hoping she may relent and realise how scared she was and be ready for something deeper (unlikely). The energy of it all has decreased though.
I have been on some other dates, in some cases with women who quite liked me. I have a couple of liaisons with lovers lined up which is exciting, but I still long for the deeper emotional connection I felt with V.
Work is quiet, my golf is terrible so I don’t want to play, and I feel lost. That is the truth of the matter. My mood goes downhill fast if I work from home too much and am not busy. I am not doing even the things I wrote myself in Help me. I have no purpose, no emotional connection, barely any physical connection although that should change soon. Worse, I am struggling to find the motivation to make any effort.
I had the joy this morning of my therapist telling me things will always feel the same if my life IS the same. Which may be true, but it is hard to change when you don’t know what to change or feel any motivation to do it! I am sure anyone on this site reading this will understand this pattern so well.
So it seems like most my energy is going on dating. My happiness relating to how that is going. Bad dates disappointing. Not really had the sort of date where I feel excited afterwards since seeing V, but I am excited to see a lover.
But the point is I am in a better place from May – I know that – even if it doesn’t feel like a great place. I struggle so much with too much space so not being busy is a living hell for me. Maybe I can get my golf game into decent enough shape where I want to play again as that can suck up many a happy hour. I would love work to be busier. I guess those are my goals for the next month. I am a bit scared of the summer though. When work goes quiet I go downhill, and right now I am just hoping it will be OK rather than doing anything about it.
22 Comments
lee
July 4, 2025thank you for sharing your journey. I’m glad to hear that you’re feeling better now than you were in may. this website was a lifeline back in high school when all I could think about was killing myself. I’ve graduated college, gotten myself some antidepressants, and am on the mend through trauma and depression and anxiety. I haven’t felt the need to come back here for information in a long time, and at this point, it’s mostly for some sense of nostalgia. thank you, truly.
admin
September 14, 2025Thans so much Lee. It is always so nice to know my work made a difference to someone. I will try and make the blog posts worth coming for!
Niamh
July 8, 2025I was surprised to come across your site for the first time today. I’ve Googled “suicide” a hundred times, but never found it before now.
I just wanted to say thank you for having such a refreshing approach. Most people get squeamish when you say you want to kill yourself. They try and persuade you not to, because they’ve never felt that way themselves. You don’t do this, you genuinely understand. I greatly appreciate you laying down the facts without getting overly-emotional about it. Thank you for sparing us platitudes like “it’s ok not to be ok” and “it get’s better”, because for a lot of us, this just isn’t true.
I’ve made 3 attempts in the past and I feel like there’s another one looming. The only thing stopping me is the fear of it failing. Your matter-of-fact approach has probably saved me from making a mess of things for a fourth time, for which I’m extremely grateful.
Thank you
admin
September 14, 2025Thanks Niamh, and sorry to read you are in such a dark phase of life. For two years I thought about very little else than ending my life. Somehow that changed over the last 15 years to only thinking about it very rarely. Not sure if that is age or the effects of 15 years of therapy and some personal development courses, but it does show it is possible. I just hope you manage to share how you are feeling with someone and get some support before you decide another attempt. Everyone has the choice. I always feel it is shame that so many don’t get support that could make a real difference to them.
Zack R
July 18, 2025Hi there. My father passed away from a horrible degenerative disease in 2017 (though it feels like last year). As part of dealing with all he left behind, I copied his bookmarks folder and stored it away and never gave it much thought. Today I opened it for no particular reason and found your site.
I just wanted to offer support for your and your struggle, albeit distant support and from a stranger. Human life is (all life really?) is defined by suffering, but also by occasional joy and beauty. I think those moments are worth living for. In the words of Augustus McCrae the hero of my favorite novel ‘Lonesome Dove,’
“It’s a fine world, though rich in hardships at times.”
Stay strong my brother.
Zack
Thalia
July 19, 2025Dating can be tough and triggering. Self-compassion and care are key. I’ve met so many men in the last 18 months that I have little hope to begin with now and therefore little disappointment on the other side. More of an even-keeled approach to dating as I don’t expect much from a random.
I’m comforted to know the odds of finding a suitable person are 5% of less so I can expect that most of the dates will just be a personal growth opportunity, if I choose to learn from it. Perhaps the learning is in getting better at saying no and exiting the date faster (or not even going in the first place) and in a way that respects us both.
FYI I’m not suicidal, I was just stopping by to remind myself of this site which helped me a lot back in 2019 when I was suicidal. I looked at the stats for the low-pain methods that appealed (overdose, gassing in a pre-90s car) and decided it would be easier to just sort my life out once and for all. Good news, I did!
I learnt about CPSTD, treated myself as someone who has it, got sober and bada-bing-bada-boom, no more suicidal depression or even depression. I feared maybe if someone I loved died, I’d get triggered back into the old me, but I took care of my dad for 2 months last year while he was dying of pancreatic cancer and it was stressful and sad, but I didn’t get triggered at all.
Now, extra-aware of how short life can be, (dad was just 66), I’m currently living on a beach in Vietnam working full-time on what I believe is my mission in life, a body of satirical work related to mental health and substance misuse that will lead resonant people to self-coaching resources if they want to create change.
So I just wanted to say thank you for creating this site and providing such a frank take for people to make their own minds up. I lost a sister to suicide in 2011, and I’m so so so pleased I didn’t go that way myself. Lots of life to live, experiences to have and creative gifts that can only be brought into the world through me. It’s a good thing I’m so soft with a low pain threshold, as I simply couldn’t hurt myself to pull the pin, very fortunate and happy to still be here. Take care of #1.
Kindly,
Thalia
admin
September 14, 2025Now that, Thalia, is an inspiring story. Thank you so much for sending it in. You have inspired me. Loved the “bada-bing-bada-boom”
Swagata
July 22, 2025Hi, I’m sorry — I don’t know your name. Thank you for this wonderful website. I’m a 34-year-old woman from India and I’m considering taking the plunge.
Do you think being the smartest species has really helped us in any way? We’ve created a world that’s centered around money and work. Everything has to revolve around that. We can’t catch a break. There’s so little time for other pursuits.
Work and ambition make us competitive, greedy, and stuck in a hamster wheel.
I think animals, birds, and other species have so little to do — and they seem so much more content and happier than us.
It is what it is. So I guess there’s no point in overanalyzing it.
Honestly, I have no will to live, but your life story is so exciting.
I hope you find a better Ms. V soon.
admin
September 14, 2025Hi Swagata and i hope you are still around to read my reply. We do live in a hard society where it seems we are conditioned to want more. I was recommended to read the presence process which is the antithesis of that. Not got far yet but maybe you want to give it a try. It can be so hard to get off the hampster wheel. I think some of the personal development courses i did were good for that and i alwats seemed to feel better after an intense week of working on myself.
Anyway, I do hope you find a better path for yourself as I am sure, at 34 years old, there is time for a lot to change in your life.
R
July 25, 2025Hey,
I just wanted to thank you for everything you’ve said, both on this website and for the blog posts you keep making. It really does change lives, and I know it changed mine, so thank you.
When I was in high school a few years ago I visited this website really often. Through my struggles I found it helped me a lot because it respected what I wanted, not necessarily what people thought I needed. None of the other hotlines or websites I viewed or talked to would give advice on the statistics and best ways to die. I feel like the way you wrote the website treated me as a person with wants and needs, rather than someone who needed desperate help (even if that was probably true too).
I am happy to see that you’re still alive and that the website is still alive though. I’ve always wanted to send a message like this but couldn’t since there’s (reasonably) no contact page.
I definitely understand you with the part about keeping busy. Sometimes I feel like thinking is the enemy, where not doing anything will just break me because that’s how life is. Sometimes you just need things to do, even if it’s anything, because it stops you from thinking about life.
It’s nice to know that you’re better than in May. If you need things to stay busy, I found that playing games or reading books/manga/manhwa always helped for me. It might not be healthy, but it stopped me from spiraling with some of the worse thoughts. Or running/long walks if you can go anywhere. Ideally drag someone with you, a co-worker or a friend, if you have anyone to drag. It helps with motivation if there’s someone there with you. You probably know all this already, but it’s worth a shot if you haven’t tried yet?
Although it’s not easy to try, or stay busy, or be motivated. But I guess life was never meant to be easy.
I hope you keep posting blog updates, if you can. It means a lot to me, and I’m sure to a lot of other people, to hear your story, and that life is a struggle. It was really reassuring during some of my worse moments to know just because you’re lost doesn’t mean life is over forever. Sometimes it takes time, a lot of time, to break out of the rut or get out of the eddy.
Even if it’s always a struggle, at least we’re alive, and sometimes that’s enough.
Keep on keeping on,
Ryan
admin
September 14, 2025Thanks Ryan for such a lovely message. I agree, people to hang with and do things with defo a good route to go. I am really hoping I wil;l be able to post some positive blog posts to insire people with what is possiblke even from a numpty like me. In the meantime it will just be the warts and all life ups and downs! I will keep blogging though – that’s a promise.
George
July 31, 2025Hello again. This is more of a general reply than about this blog post specifically, but I do hope that you aren’t forced to include age checks for this website in the future. I’d be great to keep reading about your life and how it is going without having to give up my ID.
admin
September 14, 2025I fear I will have to George otherewise could end up in prison in the UK! Have not got around to it yet but it is on the list. With luck only will need it for UK users so if you can mask your IP or live abroad you will be fine.
Calliope
August 6, 2025Your site is so important. I just want to say thank you to you.
Redhead
August 7, 2025How are you doing? I just had to say how much I love this site. Your frank information about the fact that suicide really is unlikely to be painless and may leave you in a worse state than before, if it doesn’t work is very much appreciated. You talk about a side of all this that is rarely seen and I hope you are doing well.
admin
September 14, 2025Thank you! That’s very kind of you to write and say that. I am still here, grinding on through. When life is busier it is definitely easier and righjt now it is busy so i am in decent shape.
Dead
August 13, 2025It’s true that time can heal any pain …. tell me pls I am dieing
admin
September 14, 2025Hmm. NOt sure what to reply. Not sure time heals every pain…..it does lessen emotional pain I think. What you dying of?
Swati
August 19, 2025I love this blog. I found it when I was seriously considering ending it all. I was struggling for months and end of June was the worst phase of my life. Hopelessness surged. In mid July things took a turn and ever since its been getting better and better. I shared some stuff with my closed ones in an act of desperation and it opened a door of possibilities. I completely forgot that a month ago I was actively looking for sleeping pills and helium gas. Its all good now. But at those darkest moments I found your website and read your stories and they touched me. Like breeze in hot summer. I will keep following you. So pls keep updating. Good day to you !
admin
September 14, 2025Aw – thanks Swati. And glad things have been improving for you. Sharing feelings is a powerful thing I think, so well done for being brave and vulnerable. I promise I will keep updating!
Hugo
August 19, 2025Hi again! Sorry to hear that you are going through a bad time right now. You said you’re not doing the things listed under ”help me”. I want you to know that’s completely fine, and normal. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, based on your posts I think you seem to be doing well in work and dating, even though it may not feel like it. You’re making an effort for yourself, although sometimes you might feel like you’re letting yourself down, I think you’ve actually done well for yourself, given how you maintain your job and love life. Personally, I think you’ve actually done a good job and deserve to give yourself a pat on the back for keeping it together.
Myself I’m not doing too hot. Memories of my ex still haunt me two years later. I’m starting to think she was the love of my life, and that I’ll never get over it. Turning 30 soon, I don’t really have any prospects for the future, although I know people will tell me I have my whole life ahead of me. I simply cannot visualize a life where I am happy. More than anything I just keep chugging along to avoid hurting my family, which is valid enough I suppose. And yeah my dating life is fuuucked right now haha.
In either case, just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. Remember how many lives this website has saved, and the impact you’ve had on all of us.
Big love
admin
September 14, 2025Aw. Thanks Hugo. I totally understand that feelinmg of not getting over an ex and you will never get over it. I feel the same. My hope is when you/me/we meet someone else, those thoughts will fade. You have loads of years ahead of you. The thought that comforts me is that with 7bn people in the world, the chances that only one person is our “one” is quite unlikely. If it happens once it can happen again. But the waiting is a bummer and then the people we like have to want us back!
I think the the thing that resonantes for me in what you said is that often I cannot envisage a life where I am happy. But when I don’t think about it I am better, so I try and distract myself. It is a legit strategy. And over time I have found those periods of hopelessness have got shorter, so I hope that same happens for you. Turning 30 was a tough time for me for sure, but trust me when I say a lot can change. Just never as quick as you’d like! Thanks for writing in and your moral support – you must have a good heart .