Nov ‘20 – Why it’s been quiet

So that last post never got posted. And who knows when this one will be. The site had to be re-written in a format where I could post blogs, and my web developer has been otherwise occupied. I needed the site into a new framework, and that felt like too difficult a decision to make. But if you are reading this I have finally pulled my finger out to get it sorted.

My vision for LostAllHope was to have a team of people who would keep the content upto date and add new things, as well as to add more help resources. Finding a team to do that was more trickier than I thought, and my motivation to keep trying much less than I thought. So I am sorry for those who check back to find nothing has changed.

I guess the other thing that has changed in my life is I’m not single. I haven’t been for over 4 years, but it is becoming more apparent life has actually changed. For one, I have less time than I used to. Christmas breaks with a week at home and nothing to do have gone, and with it the chunks of the time I may have spent on this website.

I have had more change in my life over the last 18 months than….well, maybe ever. Moved in to live with my girlfriend. Had to cope with all the stuff that brought up (and it was plenty – first time living with a partner!), pandemic hit and we ended up living in two separate properties. Have just moved back into my old apartment which I was hoping I would not have to do again, and looking for a new home. Oh yes, plus the pandemic which puts a scythe to the routine and structures I normally live my life in.

Being a competitive bugger, I do look at things with a win/lose mentality, and initially thought of myself as a lockdown-loser. A lot of the things I like to do I couldn’t. But eight months on from the start of the pandemic, I am starting to believe I have been a lockdown winner. Surprisingly (to me!), my relationship has thrived. It’s been as steady and calm as it has ever been. My therapist commented I seem more content than years ago, and the massive highs and lows I used to experience becoming fewer and far between. I even agree with her, although do miss the highs.

It’s true though, I don’t feel as low as I used to. That is not to say I don’t still think about – “how am I going to put up with life for x more years– it’s too difficult”. It’s there, waiting for the dark days when my back condition is painful, my knee ditto, my gums are sore….But those days are much fewer.

So it’s been a year of having to cope with major changes, and whilst it has not always been fun, I do feel I have survived OK. Something else I’ve noticed this year is being a bit more appreciative of what I have. Work especially as there have been so many people whose livelihoods have been affected by the pandemic. My appreciation of a stable job where I have been pretty busy, and can look forward to the next couple of years being equally stable, has definitely gone up. I am not taking it for granted. It has been a massive positive feature in a year where there has been less leisure and entertainment. The days have gone by OK, and for me too much time to be introspective is rarely a good thing. A busy and interesting job has been a massive boon.

I have also been more appreciative of being in relationship. I have seen single friends really struggle with loneliness during the pandemic, and I have been very grateful for having a girlfriend who has not only loved me, but helped make the weekends and evenings go by without be stressing how I am going to fill them. Thank heaven for NetFlix though! The years and years I had of feeling lonely feel a distant memory now. All the years of therapy and personal development courses (and couples therapy) to be able to cope, and hopefully thrive, in relationship have been worth it.

I’m struck now that whilst life still has very little I look forward to, being in relationship does make it full of “events” that I do have to think about, even if not always positively. Two birthdays, one anniversary, Xmas, holidays, spring and start of the golf season, autumn and what will I spend winter evenings doing. It does keep me going. Holidays are still something I dread. All that time where I have to work out what to do. For me, that is one of the most challenging life events. Give me something I have to do or committed to do; don’t expect me to work out how to enjoy myself – that’s too hard. But then I do want a break from work and life occasionally, so there is no winning.

So as 2020 comes to a close, I’d like to think that despite COVID it has not been my worst. In fact, neutral to positive, and by my standards that’s pretty good.