Oct ’19 – The “have tos”
It’s been more than a year since my last post. Someone kindly wrote in to ask if I am still alive (thank you anonymous person). I am – I have just reached new levels of apathy. I am sure many readers of this website will understand the concept of everything just feeling like it is a real effort.
It’s funny because I am a capable person, but the things now in the “too difficult” or “too overwhelming to even think about” list seem to be growing. Little things become indicators of the state of my mental health. For example, I am a super clean, tidy person, but vacuuming the inside of my car is mostly something I don’t want to do, except when I a feel motivated.
Writing birthday cards, buying presents, doing admin. Things I was always on top of, now just hang over me for ages. It seems I have two ways of living:
- The things I have to do. At work or in my personal life, if I have things I have to do, I just focus on them and get them done.
- The things I would like to do or could do. Now this is a very, very difficult state for me. What the hell do I want? What would I enjoy? Being perfectly honest, this is mostly a question I simply have no answers to. Where would I like to go on holiday? Well nowhere really – I am more likely to curl up in bed and try and shut out the world than work this one out. Holidays feel overwhelming. All that space….I can’t deal with space and choice – just the “have tos”.
So this is how I live my life now. Hoping, or trying to manufacture, things I have to do. When work is quiet, or I am on holiday, it’s ugly though.
I wonder whether being in a stable relationship has made this worse. So much of my life has had the motivation of trying to finding the perfect girlfriend. Now I realise that does not exist and I am trying to love and be loved as best I can, it is almost like the motivational “stuffing” has been knocked out of me. I just struggle to find any meaning in life. Anything I want to do. Any reason for living.
Perhaps perversely, my desire to want to end my life is less than it was. Life has a kind of stability. Same job, same girlfriend, same friends, same activities, same therapist. Relationship has made life less lonely.
Relationship has also been really hard for me. Just after the last post in August 2018 my girlfriend and I had a massive row – she nearly ended the whole thing. Had some couples counselling, ended up moving in together March this year, then arguments about timescale for buying a place – she wanted to do it after 5 months, I was only just starting to get used to living together for the first time in my life. It’s a big adjustment. As I write this, things feel a bit more settled, but they feel quite up and down generally.
I am having to learn to work out what I want and communicate it, and deal with her emotional reactions without always being triggered myself (two stubborn and argumentative people is not an easy mix!). It is definitely a learning process, and even after three years together it still feels like I am still learning.
Perhaps work getting more quiet and boring also has a part to play. For so long work was something to get up for, something I had to do. When things are hectic I am in my element, as I get very focussed and like a challenge. However, sometimes over the summer holidays I have so little to do I had to take a day off. I hate having nothing to do, so that’s hard. I have played a lot more golf this year in preparation for a golfing holiday, but I played poorly all year despite the practice, and played terribly on holiday. The goal was nice to have, the process felt horrible though. And the end result very disappointing. I hate golf now – I don’t even want to play any more. But if I don’t, I have to think of something else to do over the summer.
I must be like a duck, who on the surface seems well adjusted and calm, whilst underneath everything seems such a struggle. As someone who has suffered from mental illness I am not sure that will ever change. I just try and cope the best I can, with the help of my therapist and a men’s group. Support definitely makes a difference. Safe spaces to talk about how I really feel in a way I would not normally share. But nothing is a magic wand. I am not sure there is such a thing for me – I just have to manage things the best I can.