Sept ‘24 – I’m back!

I am so sorry to followers of the site. It took me years to sort out putting the site onto a new platform. Before I even could do that the New Zealand government declared it to be a site that broke their laws and asked my web hoster to shut it down. Thank you so much to the person who managed to get a message to me to let me know that had happened – your message that I should be “ashamed of myself for shutting the site down” was the impetus to get everything sorted. Although I still have the Kiwi government to deal with!

My 7 ½ year relationship ended in January. About 6 years longer than my previous record! Arguably two years longer than may have been optimal. Her house refurb, then me buying one (she said my flat was two small for both of us!) and doing a rip and out and rebuild, then six months until we had no excuses and couldn’t seem to find common ground on what we wanted once our living situation was sorted.

At some level I am glad as I was not happy in that relationship. But I was (and still am) also sad it ended. When we didn’t have to resolve differences we got on very well, and loved each other. It is strange how something can feel so right it ended, yet still feel so sad. I am sure she will be happier with someone else, but then I thought that for years before the end happened. Only took my ex 6 months to find a new boyfriend.

I am back dating too, and that is hard work. All the disappointment of meeting someone you think you connect with, to then have to cope with them not feeling the same. Expectation then disappointment. The grind of going through profiles, messaging them, hopefully getting into text exchange, which can end at any time. Meeting up, hoping if you like them they will be up for a second date. Being ready to cope with it not going further. It is like sales. You need to be thick skinned, motivated, and have perseverance. I am sure many readers will understand what I am talking about. But I soldier on, and hope I will have good news to report eventually.

Many years ago I used to look forward to the summer. Better weather, more to do, outdoor sports. Now the summer feels like a period to get through. Work goes quiet. I have too much time on my hands. Which brings me on to the shadow – that cloud of depression that seems to follow me around everywhere. The only question is how far away from me it is. Sometimes it barely feels there. Other times, like now and over the summer, I feel enveloped, with no hope of change. I mostly do only the things I have to. I work, yoga, some minimum social engagements. But there is nothing I want to do. That I feel like I enjoy. Fun. Life is just a bloody struggle, and I am guessing you will probably feel the same if you are reading this.

I just don’t feel like I want to do anything. It’s really hard, and I do find I retire to my bed to just shut down in overwhelm and sleep. Life for me is only manageable with a structure that keeps me busy every minute of every day with things I have to do, or committed to do. Give me space and choice of what I want to do, and I fall apart. Which is why I can’t face going on holiday – there’s nowhere I want to go, and nothing I want to do!

22 years after trying to kill myself, it’s still there. Probably a bit better at managing it than all that time ago. But still in therapy, and taking anti depressants. The constant fight to stave it off gets tiring. Also, as I get older, I feel like I am running out of time to enjoy life, before I will look back and feel like it was all a waste. Obviously I am feeling very positive this morning!

Finally, sorry I have not updated the site as much as I had hoped to. I just can’t find the motivation to do it these days. But at least I have the site on a new platform, and new blogs posted. There may be some links that don’t work – will try and sort them. I have a house now instead of my flat. That was an achievement. I’m still alive, and learnt a lot from my long relationship. There is some hope that will mean I can be happier with my next relationship. I will keep you posted.