May ’25 – The grind, then love, then sadness

I started this blog at the beginning of March, and at the time it life really did feel like a grind. I was trying so hard at dating and getting nowhere. Could not get a second date for love nor money. Work was quiet. My golf was dire. There was nothing to look forward to. I was just going through the motions of life. Feeling really down, not motivated. If work was quiet and I was working from home, or I did not have much planned at the weekend, bed beckoned. Sleep the day away. Yes, after 15 years of therapy, life could still feel a massive struggle.

Then things started to change. I had another session with my dating coach. By the end of March I had got past second date with three women I liked. Suddenly started to feel a bit better. One of those went by the wayside, two of them started going somewhere. One lovely girl who was local seemed really into me which was nice as I really fancied her too. But the other girl, who I shall call V, seemed to be touching me at a deeper level.

She was living outside the UK in Europe and was passing through London when we matched on Bumble, but we got chatting. It turned into very full-on chat, and within a couple of weeks I started to notice a shift – she made me feel better about myself. Suddenly I felt more cheerful, more positive. We had an in person chat then started doing voice messages and the connection grew.

In the most spontaneous thing I have ever done in my live, I offered to fly out and meet her for lunch. I booked my flight at 8pm Sunday eve to got up 5:15am the next day to fly out. And we had an amazing date. Spending 5 ½ hours together and ending in a passionate kiss.

So she planned a visit to the UK to see me after she was back from a long ski holiday. In the meantime we are messaging, speaking, emailing, doing voice messages multiple times a day. It’s and intense and deep connection and we are both feeling the best versions of ourselves. One evening I actually come home and start dancing round my kitchen to Happy by Pharell Willams! I just don’t do that sort of thing! I barely recognised this strong, happy version of myself. And at the same time wishing it would have come out without it being due to someone else.

She comes over the UK for 36 hours and stays at my place. I have a plan for the weekend and if I had an expectation how it could go, it would have been better than that. We get on so well all the time. We laugh. The sex is amazing and not sure I ever had that much sex in 36 hours! We go out, have a walk. We never run out of conversation. Literally unbelievable, and she seems as in to me as I am into her. I fast feel like I am falling in love and I don’t do that sort of thing! We are like two teenagers.

Then we are both due to have business trips back-to-back so we are looking at 5 weeks apart. We’re trying to arrange another visit and there’s only one day she could make work and was planning to fly over for about 18 hours. So I say it’s quite short and is there a better option to which she replies it’s not easy for her to come back over, and with her previous lovers she’s only seen them once every five weeks. Now I wasn’t really keen on being compared to other lovers and I certainly wasn’t keen on seeing someone I really like only once every five weeks.

So there follows a very difficult conversation with this lady sobbing down the phone at her life circumstances and the possibility of us never seeing each other again. She feels there is no way I can ever be happy in this dynamic although I said surely there must be some compromise solution that could work. I know I’m happy to travel abroad to visit her if we get to that stage. Anyway she ends up booking a flight to come over for less than 24 hours that weekend, we get on great again and have amazing physical intimacy. We agree that after the business trips and when her daughter is at summer camp will spend two 3-day weekends together to spend a bit more time together. The weekend after that she does a yoga retreat, I notice on her messages she goes a bit weird, I name it, she says I am right and she arranges a call where she tells me she wants to split up. She thinks the physical chemistry was clouding her mind and that even though I was prepared to fit in with her life situation, she wanted somebody she felt fitted her lifestyle on day one.

So there was no real discussion. It was quite weird because not long before that we were talking about how to not overlap business trips in September, and she was talking about wanting to speak to my therapist so she could find out more about me (not that my therapist would ever entertain that!). It really felt like she was in for the long term and then bam – the end with no room for compromise or discussion about the issues. Plus they were all in the future and not even there in the present!

I have to say I was disappointed and sad. I cried quite a bit and I got this news whilst I was out on a business trip in the USA without any of my friends and family around so that was tough. I used ChatGPT for analysis and support and I have to say, it was amazingly good. It helped me analyse emails, and really gave me amazing insight into what might have been going on for this lady. That made me feel it was less about me, and more about her ability to enter into something deeper and more committed. That was some consolation, but it’s very hard when you’re in your mid 50s and you finally meet someday you feel more connected to than anybody you’ve ever met in your life, for the connection to not even have a chance to play out.

I write this 9 days after it all happened, which is not a long time to get over somebody even though it only really lasted six weeks with three in person dates – but it was a very deep and intense. So I’m still sad, not suicidal which is how I would have felt 25 years ago. But it’s been hard to focus on anything because the thoughts of this woman are still washing around my head like a soundtrack that will not go away. I am always thinking what I will say when we next chat. Hoping she is aware she got scared and is open to a trying again. Also knowing her self-awareness and relating skills are where mine were 13 years ago, and how much work I needed to get me to where I am now. She’d need to do so much work to get over some of the trauma in her life and be ready to consider making room for a loving, committed relationship. Which actually I think she wants deep down, but is so scared it is not possible, she sees the barriers much larger than the payoffs. Which really makes me sad as I’d love her to be loved and supported.

So I am back on to the bloody dating aps. Even have a couple of dates lined up this week. It’s tough though. After a period actually feeling good about myself – feeling like the best version of myself – I am back to feeling like I barely have the motivation to get up, and certainly nothing to look forward to.

I would do it all again in a heartbeat, as chances to experience a connection like V and I had come along so rarely – I had to give it my best shot. There is no regret. But there is heartache at what I wanted to badly and was never given the chance to breathe.

I really don’t know how writing this can help inspire anyone, although I am sure anyone who has been in love and lost their partner, or been jilted, will understand how I feel. I just hope there are happier chapters left to write. Ideally with V, but if not with someone else.