April 2012 update

I am often surprised at the number of people who write in having read my story and saying it gave them hope, or inspired them to try live through the dark place they are in. My life does not feel that special. But it does feel very different to how I felt in my dark days in 2002. Not because I feel filled with optimism that life will work out great in the end, but more because I don’t spend a good chunk of every day thinking about ending my life. I don’t look forward to that event any more.

I am saddened at the large number of visitors that find their way onto this site – suicidal unhappiness is a major problem. We seem to live in a world of rising living standards but falling happiness. I feel for the loneliness and loss of hope most readers feel. I am touched by the many people that take the time to write in with their feedback on the site – it makes having created it worth the effort, and sometimes reassures me that this site does good. And I am always touched when anyone says my story touched them or gave them hope.

I still go through low phases though – generally linked to my spectacular lack of success in relationships, and as a result feeling lonely. As well as periods of massive lack of energy and motivation. You must know what I mean. But somehow life carries on, and I manage to accept the bad periods without wanting to kill myself. And there are good periods too. Sometimes I am really glad I did not succeed back in 2002.

I continue to work on my psychological welfare quite a lot. Doing the Hoffman Process in 2011 was really hard, but also good. I think it did help me, but was by no means a quick fix for my life. I have now been with my current therapist for two years that seem to have gone by quickly. I always wanted therapy to work quickly; expect my therapist to work magic on me.  I now realise that therapy is a big act of faith that it will make a difference, and that the difference can take a long time; it may not even be noticeable at times. I hate that! Overall though, for me, it has helped, but it did take me a while to find a therapist I trusted and worked for me. And it is often not fun……

I see a lot of emails from people on the site who are in such a dark place they can’t appreciate the impact killing themselves will have. I see emails from people they leave behind and I can safely say the impact is huge. It saddens me. It also upsets me that people feeling low don’t seem to get the help and support they need to get them through the dark days.

Help is out there, but it can take time, effort and motivation that people struggle to find, especially after trying other solutions. I think sharing the problem can help though, hard as it can be to tell someone close how you really feel. It was certainly hard for me. Somehow talking about how I really feel does help though. I think the same is true for a lot of people, although expressing our deepest, darkest side to someone else can seem hard.

I look back on two years where I think I have made a difference in the world. Life does have an ebb and flow, and isn’t all bad. Although I am sure that anyone in a dark place reading this will struggle to believe that. But try to believe it anyway.