December 2012 update

People say they find my story inspiring, and so I thought it best to keep updating it to show that life goes on. Since my last update in April 2012, my mother passed away after a brave but ultimately tough-to-watch fight against cancer. My father died 18 months before that.

That was coupled with one of my co-directors being off sick for nearly a year, leading to work being very hard and stressful. But somehow tough times did not equal depression. Sadness, frustration, and at times anger. But I soldiered on, and I sit here in Dec looking forward to seeing the end of a tough year, hoping that 2013 will be better.

On the plus side, I was glad that both my parents passed away knowing without any question that I loved them – all the courses and therapy certainly paid off there.

I have now been with my current therapist for 2 ½ years that seem to have gone by quickly. I now go twice a week. I rarely get feel good highs after therapy, or feel bad lows, but I hope it is contributing to subtle shifts, and just helps me get through life better. I do find I like going and have some space to focus on me, without worrying about anyone else.

I always wanted therapy to work quickly; expected my therapist to work magic on me.  I now realise that therapy is a big act of faith that it will make a difference, and that the difference can take a long time; it may not even be noticeable at times. I hate that! Overall though, for me, it has helped, but it did take me a while to find a therapist I trusted and worked for me. And it is often not fun…… Doing the Hoffman Process in 2011 was really hard, but also good. It did help me, but was by no means a quick fix for my life.

I am about to enter my tenth year single – it’s a problem, although for most of last year I was distracted by bigger things. Feeling lonely is something I have to work against, and try to make sure I connect with my friends and remaining family.

Life does feel very different to how I felt in my dark days in 2002. Not because I feel filled with optimism that life will work out great in the end, but more because I don’t spend a good chunk of every day thinking about ending my life. I don’t look forward to that event any more.

I am saddened at the large number of visitors that find their way onto this site – suicidal unhappiness is a major problem – site visitors tripled in 2012. We seem to live in a world of rising living standards but falling happiness. I feel for the loneliness and loss of hope most readers feel. I am touched by the many people that take the time to write in with their feedback on the site – it makes having created it worth the effort, and sometimes reassures me that this site does good. And I am always touched when anyone says my story touched them or gave them hope.

I see a lot of emails from people on the site who are in such a dark place they can’t appreciate the impact killing themselves will have. I see emails from people they leave behind and I can safely say the impact is huge. It saddens me. It also upsets me that people feeling low don’t seem to get the help and support they need to get them through the dark days.