Apr ‘26 – Lost

After a foot injury I picked up Feb 2025, painful Sciatica I had for nearly 6 months from Sept 2025, and a trapped nerve in my shoulder that was non stop painful for over 3.5 weeks, I am finally pretty much pain free. My tax return is done and tax paid. I am on top of work and personal admin. I have 43 days of holiday to take and money in my bank account. I even managed to break 80 at golf for the first time in well over 3 years. Yet I feel totally lost, and quite down in the main.

Today I write this after playing Padel which was OK. Played OK. Then golf – where I played beyond crap again. I have spent what seems to be a growing number of weekend evenings home alone. I have hardly any single friends these days. I am lonely, down and tried.

I noticed in my last blog I said sometimes I function better under pressure, and perhaps it should be no surprise that I go downhill fast when space opens up. I am spending weekend afternoons sleeping as I don’t really have anything I want to do. Can only play so much Padel, and my enthusiasm levels to practice or play golf not there. I am feeling I have less friends to hang out than I need – especially at weekends.

I have no current dating connections, and desperately want something exciting to look forward too.

It’s weird really, as externally life would seem OK to the outsider. I do have a lot. But that just does not take away the black cloud that follows me. Where noting feels enjoyable and life just feels too hard with no fun. I m sure many people reading this will identify with what I write. I am also finding, now aged in my late 50s, I am more conscious of time running out for me. How many good years left have I got to make something out of my life. Or feel some joy, stability, love, acceptance, excitement, passion?

I even feel some sense of self hate for writing this. Like I am not allowed to write how negative I am feeling in this blog (ironic given my audience may well be in the same place). I feel I need to do better. Be more positive. Show readers there is hope for everyone.

Then a few days later I carry on writing this and don’t feel quite so bad. It has been a calm productive week at work. The structure of the working week and having plans every evening holds me so much better than a weekend where I don’t have enough planned. Even one or two leads on the dating apps feels better than none. I guess this is why I tell people ready to kill themselves to think it over for 3 days.

I do envy the happy-go-lucky people who seem content with their lot. I know there has been reams written about gratitude and appreciation, and choosing how you respond to life. And at some level, I do believe there is choice involved. Like last Sunday, in the 3 hours I had at home after yoga and before golf, I chose to lie on my bed and sleep rather than go to golf early and practice, or do something else.

But the truth is also that I didn’t actually want to do anything else. I didn’t want to practice. I didn’t want to write this blog. I didn’t want to spend time updating this website. I didn’t want to ring any of my friends and chat. In that moment, I didn’t want anything, as nothing felt like it would be enjoyable. Plus I felt tired and overwhelmed by those feelings, so bed and sleep were a relief.

With all my self awareness and knowledge, how much of a choice was it really? To me if feels perhaps some people cope with life better than others. Maybe we can try and improve our coping skills. For me it is probably not having too much time on my hands – being busy helps me cope with life. Some say compulsive busyness is not good, but to me it is supportive.

I was about to say I don’t know where I am going with this post, then looked back to remember I had entitled it “lost”. Indeed….Maybe my next one will be “found”!